Talking Over Tea
by hato-ryou-chan
Summary: Sirius talks to Hermione about the things on his mind. Set Christmas break Harry's 5th year. oneshot


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. God I wish I did though.  
AN: I was typing on other fanfics when this little scene popped into my head. Instead of just letting it go to waste, like so many of them do, I decided to type it up as a oneshot for all of you. Set in fifth year during Christmas Break.

Sirius Black was sitting in the tea room of number 12 Grimauld Place. Dust covered everything from the antique furniture to the deep maple table that sat nestled between chairs and love seats. If there was one thing Walburga Black was good at, it was harmonizing a room. Everything matched yet each piece had it's own distinction. This sitting room was where the family had Sunday tea together was one of the few in the old house that Sirius could stand.

He was currently watching the outside as the snow came down in a soft but thick curtain. It reminded him often of his time at Hogwarts and how in the winter he would curl up in a window of Gryffindor Tower and have a cup of warm butterbeer. Things were simpler then. There was a war raging outside in the world but at Hogwarts it was only a far off bad dream. Back then, Hogwarts was a haven, a safe place were no harm could possibly befall them. How Sirius longed for those days. The simpler...happier times. When Peter wasn't a backstabbing bloody traitor; when James' one true goal in life was to get Lily Evans on a date with him; when Remus' only worries were his disposition and O.; when Sirius was still a mostly carefree student that simply enjoyed life, thinking it would last forever. The man was so lost in his past that he didn't come back to the present until a hand touched his shoulder. Looking up he noticed Hermione Granger standing there. One of two girls in Harry's life that reminded him strikingly of the boy's mother.

Hermione was one of Lily's mind and had she still been around, Sirius was sure that Harry's mother would've immediately approved of her. The other was the Weasley's only daughter. Ginny looked quite a bit like Lily with her fiery red hair and attitude to boot. The young witch could match her brothers in any test of wits and though his godson couldn't see it...he was smitten with her.

"Here...I brought you some tea. Mrs. Weasley said you've been in here all morning. I thought you might like some since you missed breakfast." Hermione handed Sirius a cup of steaming Earl Grey while taking a sip of her own. Smiling, the man accepted the mug. He noticed that she'd brought in scones as well.

"Thanks. I often get lost in my thoughts and forget to eat or drink. Being so long with such little nourishment makes one forget that it's actually required." The hot liquid flowed down his throat with a warming sensation that spread through the rest of him. Nothing could beat a hot cup of tea on a cold morning.

"May I ask what you were thinking about?" Hermione's inquisitive voice broke the silence that had surrounded them. The Black had to wonder for a moment why she was bothering. Perhaps she had already finished the long list of chores Molly had set for each child already. After all, it was Hermione. Still, with another sip of his tea, Sirius answered.

"Life. Before all this. It comes back in flashes but it's the oddly normal things that trigger it. The smell of the air after it rains, the sound of hushed whispers, snow falling. Hell, even the sound of Ron snoring will sometimes bring back memories. Not all of them good but everyone has both good times and bad times. Without the bad we wouldn't be able to appreciate the good and without the good we wouldn't be able to know that there's better things then the bad."

"But some have more bad then good...more then they deserve." Sirius looked up to notice that the brunette was watching him closely. She was trying to let him know that she understood...that she was a soul that would listen to the horrors if he needed one. Truth was, maybe he did.

"I deserve more then you think. Snape could tell you plenty of instances showing my deserving of such things." She surprised him with a soft smile and knowing eyes.

"He holds a grudge. He does to Harry too though I wouldn't want to admit it. I think you and Harry's dad had to have done a lot to him while at Hogwarts."

"You are far too smart for your own good. Yeah...he was one of our main targets while at school. Not that he didn't try to get us back. Still, we were nothing if not skilled in our trouble making." Sirius smiled fondly at the memories of pranks past. There were too many to count but not a one of them was unmemorable.

"Was it that trouble making that got you kicked off of the Quidditch team?" Hermione's question caught him off guard. How did she know about that?

"How-"

"The trophies. Gryffindor won the Quidditch cup every year James Potter was on the team. I counted the years. You were on the team for your second year and third year but didn't come back onto the team till your last year. I'm assuming it was because the beater position had opened up again? That's how you got your spot back."

"Way too bloody smart...and no. I got kicked off the team because of my unrelenting desire to knock my brother off his broom and his to knock me off mine. He was a Slytherin beater you see? Regulus and I always had it in for each other on the pitch. It finally came down to McGonagall and Slughorn banning both of us. Once I was replaced I couldn't get my spot back until one of the two beaters left school. Darings was a year below us so I knew I wouldn't be getting his spot but Smith was a year ahead so when he left James put me back on the team. He was captain by then." Despite his rambling, Hermione listened with great interest. It seemed that any kind of new information was fascinating to her.

"You miss him?"

"Every waking day...there are times when I want to stop existing. That the loss of my best friend becomes to great to bear. There will forever be a bleeding wound from one James Harry Potter. But I'm lucky. I don't have the dementors making me relive to the night I found them dead...after Hagrid had taken Harry I simply held onto James and cried...I kept begging him to wake up, wishing I could snap out of the nightmare my life had suddenly become. It took hours to gather my strength to go after Pettigrew. My mind just couldn't fathom that he had done that even after hours of knowing it was true. Then again my mind was refusing to believe that Remus would've either. Hogwarts was definitely in a bubble back then. Once we were thrust into the real world things got complicated. It's hard to explain and far too long of a story." Sirius set down his now empty cup of tea only to have Hermione refill it from a teapot he hadn't noticed. Was he really that distracted?

"I have nothing but time. Things shouldn't stay so bottled up. I'll keep your secrets should you choose to speak them. No one should be alone in their sorrows." Sirius quirked an eyebrow at the 15 year old. She was wise beyond her years...definitely a good friend for Harry to have found.

"Not all of my secrets are mine alone..."

"Then I shall keep them even closer."

"I don't doubt you will. Where to begin Miss Granger?"

"What about when things started to lose the bubble feeling of Hogwarts?"

"Ah, that would be when I ran from this retched place. I was sixteen and firmly believed that my parents' views of the world were wrong. They were constantly screeching at me, much like my mother still does. I was nothing of the son they had raised, yet looking back I realized I hadn't been raised by them. I was molded by them. Set into a mind of thinking that I didn't necessarily agree with. I had broken out of that mindset while in James' trusty hands my first year. I quickly realized that my parents weren't going to accept me and I wasn't about to conform to their largely narrow-minded views of the world. So I ended up having a screaming match with my mother and then a fist fight with my brother and then another screaming match with my father as I headed out the door. Once I was out I didn't know where to go. I had lost my friends the year before with the prank I pulled on Snape." Sirius noticed that his listener was still completely attentive to his words. Hermione had her head propped up in her hands as she listened to him. With a soft smile he continued.

"I managed to find my way to Godric's Hollow, to where James lived. I didn't know where else to go so I was praying that he wouldn't just slam the door in my face. He didn't...he took one look at me and simply stepped aside. Once I was in and told him I was sorry for everything he told me I was a complete tosser for what I did but I was still his best mate no matter what. Just like that we were back to how we were before. It's amazing how quickly you let go of certain fights when you're young but the small things are what put you on non-speaking terms for weeks. James held a longer grudge for me calling Lily a know-it-all bitch then when I almost got him killed." The smile crossed Sirius' face with such warmth that Hermione had to wonder how it would've been had James not died that night. How different everything would be for everyone.

"It was getting Remus to forgive me that was the hard part...he refused to even acknowledge my existence for the longest time. I didn't notice it but I had stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped pretty much everything when I tried to get back in his good graces. James noticed but didn't say anything. He understood my turmoil quite well. Only difference was his wasn't as amplified as mine was. It wasn't until the first snow that Remus actually forgave me. He'd told me time and time again that he couldn't trust me and would never forgive me for what I'd done. I had stopped trying and then no more then a week after that, he came to me. Told me I was going to catch my death out in the cold if I kept walking around without a coat on. I found out later that James ratted me out to Rem. He said he couldn't stand Remus not forgiving me when I was obviously sorry and wasting away to death from trying so hard to prove it.

"After that things went pretty much back to normal with the slight exception that for the rest of my sixth year Remus tried to fatten me back up, not unlike what he's been doing lately." Hermione cracked a grin and nodded. Remus had made Sirius eat at least two full plates of food last night. The former professor fussed over the fugitive quite a bit she'd noticed.

"With seventh year came Lily breaking down and finally giving James a chance and believe me, it was unbearable listening to him the week leading up to their date. Things were pretty normal that year...it was after that that things got difficult. When you grow up with someone you grow attached and with war, attachments led to deadly consequences. We didn't care though. We were still living in our little bubble of Hogwarts. Lily and James moved into a house in Godric's Hollow and I took up residence in a flat with Remus. Things were easy...we were fresh out of school and eager to join up the fight against the dark lord. Little did we know that it would ultimately tear us all apart. When Lily and James had Harry they had to go into hiding. I knew that my being James' best mate wasn't a secret so I suggested being a decoy for a different secret keeper. Remus was suspected of being a spy, though now I think it was propaganda and with his lycanthropy it wasn't hard to see how he could've been the spy.. I suggested Pete and things were alright for a few months..." The tears were starting to shine in Sirius' eyes but he knew that if he didn't get it out now that no soul would ever hear it.

"Three days before Halloween Rem and I got in a huge fight about his being a spy. He was out on missions that the order hadn't sent him on though he claimed they did...I accused him and he threw a ring at my head and left. I was worried and feeling guilty and just so distracted that I didn't piece it together until it was too late. Peter was the one who had said that he'd seen Rem talking to known death eaters and dark lord supporters. It was Peter who had first suggested that Rem might actually be a spy. And it was Peter who I had entrusted the most important secret to. When it had all dawned on me I ran to his flat and when I found it completely void of him with no signs of struggle my gut twisted. I'd realized my fatal error in judgment. I should've trusted myself more...maybe if I had then I wouldn't have found the Potter home destroyed like I had."

"It's hard to believe those we love most in times of war when secrets and mystery shroud everything. Trust is the first casualty of war. You can't blame yourself. The seeds of doubt were planted in your head and when a person can't divulge where they've been it only grows when your imagination is left to fill in the blanks. Once we are told of suspicions they seem to be all we can focus on until we believe that it is the truth." The dark haired man looked at his company in shock. How could someone so young have such wisdom?

"Trust shouldn't have been something I lost. I had complete faith in Remus when it came to my life even when I thought he was the spy. Why couldn't I trust him when it came to James and Lily?"

"Your mind wouldn't allow you to. You had faith in him because you loved him but you couldn't risk the Potters' lives on that faith alone. The doubts overpowered you." Sirius stopped and looked at Hermione...had she just said what he thought she said?

"How did you-"

"know? I notice the little details. Don't worry. Ron's too oblivious to notice, much like most everyone else is. Harry hasn't noticed, though if he spends a lot of time here he will. For being so dense when it comes to his own love life, he's very observant to others even if he doesn't mean to be. I think Mrs. Weasley suspects but she hasn't said anything. Sorry...did you not want anyone to know?"

"No, it's okeh. I just didn't think you'd piece it together. You're a very clever girl Hermione Granger. So maybe you can tell me this if you pay attention to the details. Do you think I still have a shot? I've been warring with myself for weeks now on whether or not to approach the subject to Remus. We broke it off days before James and Lily died. His secret business that he couldn't tell me was to get me a ring. We couldn't get married but he wanted to get the ring to make it 'official' in some way...binding. Like me being his mate wasn't enough. It's been fourteen years...I'm not sure he feels the same. Not that asking a 15 year old girl is going to help me much in that matter." The brunette smiled as she finished off her tea.

"From what I can see, he still only sees you. I don't know much about either of you but from what I can see your bond runs deep. As you said, you're his mate. Werewolves only mate with one person. So long as that person is still alive they won't take another. And if they do take another after their first has died it is because the second mate reminds them of the first. I think if you apologize for the mistrust and doubts you had those years ago, he'll forgive you. He's still doting on you isn't he?" Sirius nodded and looked back out the window. Something in his gut told him to enjoy the snow while it lasted.

"He does. I think I'll try that...thank you Hermione. For listening. Do me a favor? Look after Harry for me. He will need more in the coming years then he ever has. You're brilliant and attentive. You'll keep him alive...he'll need a level head around him when things go dark. I wouldn't ask this of you but I fear my time is growing short." The young witch looked at Sirius with concern. Perhaps she hadn't been paying enough attention to notice how deep his depression was?

"Something in my gut tells me this will be the last winter I ever see. I want to make it count. As much as I love Remus...I need to spend time with Harry while I can. It might hurt him more in the end but I'm selfish that way. The more it hurts in the end the more resolve he'll have to do what needs to be done when the time comes."

"Sirius, you talk like you know you're going to die soon. I-If suicide is what you're-"

"It's not. It's just a feeling in my bones. Like when you know you're in danger. You can feel it in the air, in your soul. You know something's wrong...that something's coming. I have that feeling. Don't tell anyone. It'll only make them think I've gone round the bend or make them worry more for my mental state. I can't have either. People fuss enough in this house." Despite his trying to make a joke, Hermione didn't smile. She nodded to him though. She would keep his secrets...his haunted memories. Sirius needed a friend that would listen. One that would bear his burden with him and Hermione wasn't about to let him down.

"Thank you. Harry is truly lucky...you'll make a great witch someday Hermione. I think I hear Ron yelling for you. Might want to go see what he wants before he wakes my vile mother up." The brunette nodded once more and gathered up the tea cups and put them on the tray with the kettle and untouched scones. She left, leaving Sirius to the snow at the window once more...yes. This was definitely going to be the last snow he saw. A large black dog was standing at the window, watching him. Not a good sign indeed.

fin~


End file.
